Bizarre Tech: ELIRA Apparel, Mella Mushroom Chamber and Knee+

ELIRA Apparel

‘No need to strip, just UNZIP!!’

You need to check out the campaign on Indiegogo, just so you can witness the hilarious images and videos. Sadly there’s not an artful or subtle way to display the product – the closest they got was a black and white picture of a lovely looking woman squatting near some bushes.

So, whether you’re into the outdoors, or have a lame pelvic floor and there are no loos nearby, or you’re on a night out and all the pubs are closed, ELIRA Apparel is the way to go.

I am, like many women, annoyed at the ability of men to be able to whap it out wherever and do a cheeky wee, without needing to do anything drastic. Most womenfolk pretty much have to moon the public and squat like a delinquent in the corner, holding their knees so they don’t tip over.

However, a woman called Kelly, an outdoors lover, started the ELIRA Apparel company and created the pants and underwear because she’s “on a mission to revolutionise women’s apparel and empower women to be free to pee when they need to!” AMEN, GIRLFRIEND.

Basically, the ELIRA bottoms have a two-way zipper that opens at the bum and bits, and you pull apart the sides. All good if you’re going commando.

But! What about the undies? Well, ELIRA also has underwear that you can open up for easy wee access.

So, you still have to faff around a bit and probably squat down, but at least you can cover up pretty quickly if you’re interrupted, (one of the reasons why the ELIRA products were made) without the risk of the usual: having your jeans around your ankles, someone catches you and then you have to yank the clothing up sharpish, causing you to expose yourself. There’s also a chance of you losing your balance when yoinking your bottoms up when you stand, and then ARRR SHE BLOWS.

The ELIRA Explorer and Navigator pants are supposed to give you freedom to pee in peace, and so you can “say goodbye to having your butt in the air”.

Apparently, the apparel is comfortable for adventure and play (you can’t feel the zipper), and you just unzip the butt compartment to relieve yourself. Though if the two-way ‘invisible’ zip was to break or get stuck when you’re out in the open as it were, you’ve got problems.

There are two trouser styles: The Explorer Pants (a cargo-style pant with nine deep pockets, available in tobacco khaki and black) and the Navigator Pants (a “sleek and minimal style” pant with a secure wide phone pocket and back pockets, available in khaki and black).

The fabric for the ELIRA wear is apparently “high tech”, repels moisture, is snag-resistant and dries quickly. In case of oopsies when you’re peeing maybe? The YKK Zippers are allegedly very reliable, and they will replace them if they break.

That’ll help when I’m in the middle of the woods and my zipper snaps halfway, with my butt going “HELLO WORLD”.

Mella Mushroom Chamber

Why don’t you make some shroom?

The pictures don’t look very appetising. And usually, mushrooms growing in your home means you’ve got to get cleaning, or get a dehumidifier, or move house.

Anyway, I’ve never picked mushrooms fresh from the dirt, but apparently they’re better than the pre-packaged deal. Unsurprising.

If you’re really into fresh fungi, then you’d likely want to try and grow the stuff at home. Usually, it can be a tricky endeavour. HOWEVER...

The Mella Smart Mushroom Fruiting Chamber was developed by Kentucky-based co-creation community FirstBuild. Mouthful, I know.

So, the mushroom incubator is a stainless-steel main chamber, joined to a removable and refillable water reservoir (you refill it about once a week). The chamber has a transparent door and side panels, a humidity sensor, dimmable LED grow lights, and an air exchange fan. Basically, you dial in what you want the conditions to be like to grow maximum mushroom goodness, and away it goes.

To begin the process, you get some ‘fruiting blocks’ (there’s pre-seeded mushy spores inside these). Then you fill up the reservoir, and the Mella gets to work growing your bad-boy gourmet mushrooms.

The whole set-up will cost around $479 (about £350). That’s some expensive fungi.

Knee+

Just watch me knee knee.

Will it give me a new knee?! An extra knee? People call me Becky three-knees Mcgee.

Anywho, the Knee+ is a light-therapy device that uses LED light and “next-generation” lasers and is allegedly proven to perform magic. I jest.

The device supposedly helps support regrowth of blood vessels and cartilage, reduces inflammation and supports the body’s “own unique healing process”. My body sucks, so it would probably take a gigantic space laser or something to even make a dent.

I have tremendously bad knees; they sound like crisp packets rustling when I walk upstairs. I have also been told that it sounds like my legs are breaking.

Anyway, the Knee+’s light therapy (clinical term: photo­biomodulation) allegedly “increases blood flow to damaged tissue by dilating blood vessels and decreases regional inflammatory cytokines”. Ya know, SCIENCE.

Because it’s a joint-specific device, the developers reckon it will consistently deliver the “right dosage to your internal tissue where it will have the highest impact on your recovery”.

Unlike panels and LEDs, the Knee+ lasers really get in there, way into your joints and muscle tissue. How invasive.

The modular design means it’s flexible for best positioning on your wee knee, and the charging dock is portable so you can grab and go wherever you want.