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Men. Don't wait! Lactate!

Bizarre Tech: male lactation, face iron and Furbo treat tosser

Image credit: Meaning Centred Design Awards

Did you ever think a man could literally breastfeed? Neither did I. Read on, if you will.

Male lactation kit

I am so confused!

I’m finding this a wee bit totes inappropes.

The male ‘chestfeeding’ kit provides all the necessary hormones a man needs to produce milk for his baby.  

Sorry, what?

Basically, this invention will allow men to lactate and ultimately be able to ‘breastfeed’ their baby. I have a few thoughts, as probably many of you do.

For a start, if the dude is hairy, the baby might get some kind of rash, or have to nuzzle and root around at a whole new level to find the nip.

And what if a stray hair gets into the baby’s mouth? What if it unintentionally eats one? Oh god, what if it chokes on a man chest hair?! Ew.

The brainchild of product designer Marie-Claire Springham, the ‘chestfeeding’ kit comes with a pump and compression vest.  

The idea is still conceptual, though. It won the world’s first Meaning-Centred Design Awards, which celebrate design that generates social impact and inspires cultural change.  

But, you know, the milk is coming from a bloke. Boys are made from slugs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails? I am partial to a wagging pup’s tail. But still. What if it tastes of terrestrial gastropod molluscs?!

The thought of it is making me a little uncomfortable. I’m a very liberal person, but I think this takes the biscuit. I’m all for transwomen wanting to do this, as a woman is what they naturally identify as. All good.

But a man doing it? With the hair and the no boobs and the hair?! Nope.

If your dad said he breastfed you when you were a baby, I don’t think you’d appreciate it. And it may have confused you, thinking your mum had a man chest.

I know this is a good thing regarding gender in parenthood, but still. Eurgh.


Face iron

It’s an iron. For your face.

This claims to literally iron the wrinkles from your skin. Like your face is on an ironing board and the Omni Nasolabial Iron is smoothing it out.

The iron heats up, and then you rub it over your visage. Your face is a skin shirt now.

It supposedly gets rid of crow’s feet, fine wrinkles and eye bags.

Anyone want to try it?


Furbo dog camera

You treat tosser!

I’ve covered this sort of thing before. But it’s quite fun, really. It makes a kind of sense, especially if you want a dog but have to hold down a full-time job. So if you miss your fur baby, you just look at the Furbo app on your phone, and can see live streaming of your pup in your home.

Everyone loves a dog. If you don’t like dogs for no good reason, you’re not good people in my opinion. If you’re scared of dogs, fair enough. If you just dislike them, you, my friend, are not normal. And I don’t like you.

Anyway, the Furbo has two-way audio, with a high-​quality microphone so you can be crystal clear when you’re telling Doug to get off the damn sofa.

You can customise the snack call so your doggo can come running when there are treats. The Furbo can hold up to 100 of those bad boys. You can then control the treat being tossed out of the Furbo, which the doggo catches, like fun bullets. But what if you pelt your pooch in the eye with a treat and blind your pup because of your unexpected good shot?

As well as being a dog blinder, the Furbo sends notifications to your smartphone when it thinks your dog is barking. You can shout at them in the office and everyone can think you’re a crazy person as you waggle your finger at your phone and scream “No Doug!” when he’s dog-yelling at the postman.

The Furbo has a 1080p HD camera. It’s even got infrared LED night vision, in case you work the graveyard shift.

It also takes photos, so you can send multiple cute pictures of your fur baby to everyone you know and they can block you on all forms of social media because there’s only so many angles of Doug’s furry face they can take.

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