Bizarre Tech: blocking pants, intimate wearable and musical loo
On my adventures in the weird gadget world, I stumbled across these gems. So ‘ave a gander at some internet-blocking boxers, a ‘smart’ bedroom wearable, and a posh toilet!
Faraday cage underwear
Put on these undies and become part of the 300!
The guys from Spartan underwear claim that their boxers block over 99 per cent of mobile phone and Wi-Fi radiation.
Using the same technology as space suits, the company’s WaveTech material incorporates pure silver fibres in the cotton of the Spartan boxer. The silver in the underwear acts as a Faraday cage (shout out to Michael), aka an electromagnetic shield, which blocks radiation from getting to your testicles.
Silver is naturally antibacterial, so as well as protecting your boys, Spartans will also keep you nice and fresh.
Designed in Paris, a pair of silver undies is apparently even softer and more comfortable than usual man pants, so that’s a big bonus.
From $34 (around £24) per pair, these super-soft Spartan space pants will keep your bits healthy and radiation-free!
Kohler Numi toilet
A loo you’d want to sit on. All day.
Numi is the most advanced toilet to come from manufacturing company Kohler. It registers when you come in the bathroom, and it opens and closes automatically for you as the sensors react to floor-level motion to raise and lower the seat. You don’t even have to touch it (with your hands, anyway).
Its bidet function is self-cleaning, and there are different patterns of water spray for you to choose from. You can also change the water pressure, the wand position and temperature. There’s even a built-in air dryer in the wand.
Also, your toiletry habits will remain a mystery, as air is pulled through a deodorising charcoal filter while you rest your bottom on a nice, toasty, heated seat. Floor-level vents keep your feet warm, too.
The back panels of the toilet light up if you want to have a mini-rave in your loo – there are seven colours with three programming options, so you can bust a move while doing your business. To help with your party for one, the Numi can play music too. It has FM radio stations, but you can also hook it up to your Bluetooth to hear your favourite toilet-time playlist or use an auxiliary cable, or store MP3 files to the SD card. So many choices!
The smart toilet also has a remote interface home screen (fancy!) so you can beep and boop while you poop.
However, to have an epic time on the toilet, it’s going to cost you around US$6,400 (about £4,550).
i.Con smart condom
Worst. Wearable. Ever.
With the phrase: ‘Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom. Welcome to i.Con,’ I’m already cringing.
So there’s this smart ‘condom’. It’s not actually a condom, but a wearable you pop on before you engage in ‘activities’, shall we say. It records how many calories you burn, the duration, speed, frequency etc. Also, you can compare yourself to other i.Con users around the world.
Here are my thoughts. To any man who considers buying this – how narcissistic are you? Do you want to boast to your friends about how virile you are because you’re such a ‘big man’ or something? Or are you so deeply troubled about your prowess that you feel the need to take notes?
What a waste of money and time. I don’t think any partner would appreciate their other half doing this.
I can imagine it now: “Don’t mind me dear, I’m just putting on my i.Con, don’t worry about it. No, it won’t measure your performance, dear, I just want to show the guys at my golf club and every other douche of a man around the world so I can compare how I size up to random men as ridiculous as I am.
“Am I in the top 100 of i.Con users? Who knows, let’s find out!”
The iCon will cost £59.99, so it’s not a thing just yet. It will be sold online initially. Let’s hope it just becomes a faint memory and we can all move on from this idiocy.